| It's one of the ways you can spot a woman in an | | | | Nobody can tell another person whether they should |
| abusive relationship. They ask themselves the | | | | stay or go - although they may be sorely tempted. |
| question, time and time again, obsessively. | | | | (The exquisite relief of telling a loved one that their |
| Actually, it's not the question that obsesses them so | | | | partner is a cold-blooded reptile best returned to his |
| much as the answer. The hope is that if they ask | | | | dank swamp, can be a tough one to resist.) |
| themselves the question often enough, the answer | | | | Equally, when the boot's on the other foot, it's not |
| will become the one they want. The desired answer | | | | something you want to hear. The only perspective |
| is, of course,yes. Yes, they should stay because it will | | | | on the problem that counts is your own. |
| work out the way they'd like it to. | | | | If you feel ready to explore the same problem from |
| Of course, there are good reasons for wanting the | | | | a new - broader - perspective, it may be time to |
| relationship to metamorphose into the | | | | start asking yourself different questions. These are |
| Happily-Ever-After kind. Ironically, abused women are | | | | some of the questions you can ask yourself: |
| driven by their very desperation to invest far more in | | | | · Over time has my relationship improved, |
| their relationship than their emotionally fulfilled sisters | | | | deteriorated or stayed the same? |
| do. They do so, not least, because of their spiralling | | | | · If it has consistently deteriorated, what |
| isolation and self-doubt. | | | | grounds do I have for hoping for radical |
| So a massive, draining conflict between emotion and | | | | improvement? |
| reason ensues. Of course emotion wins the day for | | | | · Is my partner prepared to make a medium |
| the longest time. 'The heart has its reasons that | | | | to long-term commitment to improving the |
| reason knows nothing of', Pascal observed back in | | | | relationship? |
| the seventeenth century. | | | | · How am I validated and honoured in this |
| It's a great quote. It's even made it onto a T-shirt. | | | | relationship? |
| (My daughter wore one such through the autumn.) | | | | · What would you choose if you really |
| (C) Annie Kaszina 2005 | | | | believed you did not have to settle for second best? |
| In fact, how many of us have 'been there, done that | | | | Your answers should be self-explanatory. If you are |
| and bought the T-shirt', metaphorically speaking, at | | | | looking for someone who will keep you on track and |
| least? And how many of us have muted the voice of | | | | hold a vision for you while you learn to let your |
| reason by our persistent denial of it, for sentimental | | | | reason provide you with strength and direction, you |
| 'reasons'? | | | | may be ready to be coached. |